They say that crying is good for you – I cry when I am
Sad
Frustrated
Mad
Terrified
Happy -really happy
Well I am cried enough to fill a rather large bath these last couple of weeks and none of them were happy tears, not since going to South Lakes Zoo which I try to remember is my go to “happy place” when I am feeling low but its not been happening.
I have been in hospital again with my gallstones – 3rd time in 6 weeks, pain from hell with no treatment until they get on top of my cancer. Luckily this time one of the paramedics was Emma and she got the worst of my blubbing on the way to the hospital. Oral morphine did the trick after a couple of hours and I was back at work later on but maybe not at my finest with so little sleep.
Having had 2 appointments where I was supposed to sign my consent for treatment cancelled and another appointment with my Breast doctor cancelled and a telephone consultation made instead, when I was told that Birmingham needed a bone scan (to be done at Bradford Hospital) and this was going to take 4 weeks I went into meltdown. More waiting and still no treatment and another letter through the door for yet another CT scan. So I cried – frustration, anger but frightened that if it gets left any longer the cancer will no longer be in one place but will decide to put its clogs on and start dancing all the way round my body.
Luckily someone heard my cries and decided that I probably looked quite a mess with all those tears drowning out this corner of Settle and called me back to say she had got me an appointment for the next week – some light in a very grey day.
My boobs are also going to have another bashing as the original biopsies came back negative BUT I have to have some more done but instead of an ultrasound they will do it with a mammogram – its going to hurt. The doctor was on holiday so another wait until next Wednesday.
Monday saw me being radioactive (children and pregnant women beware) while I had a bone scan – travelling down to Bradford the sun was shining and I had Magic Soul on the radio and normally I would have enjoyed the time on my own but I could find no joy in anything and when I got parked and couldn’t find the department because they had closed all the normal entry points – I cried – and I cried again when I found it and when the student nurse stabbed me for the 3rd time trying to find a vein I cried again!
This week I asked myself why me? Never before as I always thought why not me but I couldn’t see a way forward still trying to find out where it is even today but hoping that now the majority of the scans have been done that they will give me some news even if its to say what they won’t do. Waiting is for people with time and I haven’t the luxury, want to do things go places and can’t while waiting.
Haven’t really done anything else other than work, hospital and work but I have taken the time out to try and catch up on “Million Dollar Listings” that my brother put on Sky planner for me. The escapism of watching the guys in New York sell these amazing apartments I know that if I wasn’t selling holidays this is another dream that I would love to sell – the commissions are also great. Loved this before Selling Sunset and much less bitchy!
Tomorrow is another day and it doesn’t do me any good being miserable so time to get rid of the head wobble and try to focus on some new things. I have a holiday coming up in over a week and although I was originally going abroad I might still go out with the boys on days out and see something new sights and they get to sniff something else. I refuse to let this control me as it has the last two weeks – WATCH THIS SPACE!
canmollyrun 