A lot is written about mental health at the moment, the Royals have taken it on board and even this week Philip on This Morning has been talking about his own struggles – he says “Its surprising how you think you have a grip on everything and then your head takes you to a scary place”
Now there are few things I can relate to like Philip Schofield (well maybe my greying hair) but this week I could relate to this message. While we have different issues, when you feel that whatever you do or wherever you turn you still end back at the same place and that place is nowhere sometimes its a lonely place to be.
Everyone says they can understand what we are going through, I have had it said to me just this week but I have said until you have secondary cancer and walk a day in our shoes then you don’t know what its like. We are told that they can’t cure us and will just treat us – a lot different from Primary when they throw everything at it and say – WE WILL BEAT THIS!!
But things are not rushed – in my head everything is in slow motion and no matter how I want it to go faster I feel as I am walking in treacle, the only thing accelerating is the pain. Days with no proper sleep, watching the clock go round while I sit on the sofa in the early hours with only the dog for company.
Work was not something I could concentrate on leaving me in tears, trying to remain the happy positive person I have always been when inside I wanted to stay in bed and not do anything – bucket lists don’t get completed in bed!
Holly helped Philip as well as other close people, I reached out to my local Doctor, since diagnosis she had always advised that her door was always open – empty promises you might say but not so with Dr Green and her listening skills were second to none. It was great to off load to someone who wasn’t family/friend and medication for my hip pain was dispensed that day – TALKING was the first step SLEEP was the second.
Now just the wait for the MDT meeting on Thursday – 2 weeks after biopsy. Again not one to wait I phoned my BC nurses to be told I wasn’t on the list this week but could be next – told them this wasn’t acceptable and wanted to speak to someone otherwise I would phone Birmingham.
Then like the buses I mentioned in an earlier blog I got two calls one from my hospital and one from Birmingham confirming secondary Breast Cancer in the bone (which they knew in July) and they are referring me back to my local hospital.
Again TIME all that waiting, no reasons as to why they won’t operate only that its in my best interest and if it gets bigger they might. Oncologist appointment Monday, email written with lots of questions prior. While I understand they are medically more qualified than me only I know what’s in my best interest and I intend to fight to get more TIME.
So now to add to bucket list – have pinched from some friends
Plant a tree
Name a star in my name so when I am gone everyone can look up and see me sparkle
Paint a picture