WRITERS BLOCK

I suppose that’s what I will call it but really there was for some time after Christmas and New Year there really was nothing to say. It was winter we were in lockdown and the world seemed to have stopped once again, except this time we couldn’t potter about in the garden or do the things we have been meaning to do for ages in the house, now we are really stuck 24/7 inside, rubbish weather with equally rubbish tv.

Well there was always hospital appointments, mostly over the phone but some in person and after a couple of weeks after radiotherapy my first line treatment resumed so tablets to take and injections to be stabbed. But I had been getting some niggling pain in my side and pain which quite frankly was taking my breathe away when I did anything. I mentioned to all my team, my oncologist thought I might have pulled something, I did say you had to actually do something to do that – my life is pretty sedentary at the moment, my Birmingham team who wanted to make sure that the cancer hadn’t spread as did the Leeds team.

A scan to see if the radiotherapy had kept me stable mable was due in March anyway so it was just a case of taking the codeine/paracetamol and oramorph until then. And just when you think that life can’t give you any more a letter to have a scan for having the pesky gallbladder out – a scan is a scan, have had dozens always go in on my own. No issues. But this one, full blown panic attack, cried for England and they couldn’t do it. Sent me home to get so drugs and another appointment for 2 days time.

Doped up scan was done but I was still not well, mentally or physically and when I started work on the Sunday morning I was in horrendous pain, couldn’t sit couldn’t function. Phoned my specialist team on HODU for advise and got the amazing Pat who said to come to A&E bring and overnight bag and they would be waiting for me.

Won’t go into all the detail about what went on but I stayed 2 days – should have brought more pjs – Pat has known me for a long time and said this wasn’t the person she knew. I was broken, know I still am. Its not just the pain now, its coming to terms with the diagnosis.

Being strong is a great attribute to have and I applaud those that who can remain stronger through greater adversity but it wears you down when everyone thinks you are this person that you are not. Plus I don’t look ill, the cancer meds just like steroids did before have given me a wonderful line free skin – oh to have this skin and a body 20 years younger.

What I am trying to say is looks are deceiving, I look like a swan gliding on a pond but most days underneath my legs are frantically trying to stay afloat, Hospital monitored me gave me medication and the scans to show that the cancer hadn’t progressed and wasn’t lurking in any other organ. They also sent me home with a bunch of meds which made me horrendously sick and I can’t take.

But the most important thing they have set me up is with the Palliative Team at Manorlands a local Hospice – now I know a lot might think end of life and while it is I assure you I am not going yet, but they also deal with pain relief and just talking – I need to talk to someone who doesn’t know or judge me. I always thought I could get through this with family and friends – I realise that I am not being weak by asking for a little extra help.

Two things before I end

I had my first Pfizer vaccine with only a sore arm can’t believe to date there are over 16.5 million people being vaccinated in the UK alone – amazing

After a lot of persuasion I watched Bridgerton – can’t wait for the next series and I don’t like period dramas

Hopefully by the next blog we will all be getting there.